It is the night before the baby arrived, there was wonder and excitement, some nerves behind your eyes. Your phone is bleeping so much its making you sweat with the soon to be grannies asking, do we have a baby yet?
The baby is born, you are given toast and tea, you leave the hospital with your precious cargo and are desperate for a glass of Chablis.
Then once you bring the baby home , you wonder what on earth are we supposed to do? Why are they crying, are they hungry or do they need a poo?
Do they go in your bed, the crib or a cot? Is it too cold or is it too hot?
Why is their nose blocked and filled with lots of goo? It’s not like when you get something from IKEA and its missing a screw.
At least then, you have a manuel to read and there are steps to follow. Now you’re preparing for the 900th feed looking for a rubber ring to borrow.
Your boobs are leaking, so is your wee, it feels like you’ve got piles and you think, is this now the new me?
You had been told this would be the making of you, but instead you’re feeling as withered as your old clubbing shoes. You are experiencing a tiredness you didn’t know was possible and thinking why are parents just allowed to leave the hospital?
Days roll into nights and nights blur into days and you feel like you are wandering around in a nappy filled haze.
You hadn’t told anyone but this is not how you thought it would be.
Everything is irritating you and it burns when you wee. The baby gets weighed , you accidentally flashed the postie and you are so tired, you put the remote control into your cheese toastie.
You had heard that soon after the baby was born , the blues could hit and this was the norm. Some tears would be shed, you’ll feel irritable and low but within a week, these feeling should go.
But at what point does it change from baby blues to something more? Is it when you feel you want to escape and run for the door? Having a baby was all you had dreamed but the reality is not how it seemed.
It’s then a few weeks since the baby was born and life at home is breaking a new dawn. Night feeds and tears from baby and , what you are now being called, mum, in the darkness you think, what have I done?I didn’t know it was possible to feel like this, I’m sad and I’m lonely and everything feels amiss.
Sleep when the baby sleeps , people would say, but the baby seemed to be awake 24 hours a day . Closing your eyes didn’t give you much needed rest and this parenting lark seemed like nature’s hardest test.
There are the endless dirty nappies being changed , the white babygrows tinged with a poo coloured fade.
The travel system pram with 100 different bits doesn’t fold and it takes 3 hours to pack a changing bag to walk to the end of the road.
Your brain is jumbled and you can’t think straight, your shoulders feeling heavy with this emotional weight. Some nights frightening thoughts pass through your head making you feel like you can’t leave your bed.
As the days go on, the sadness becomes more grey and panic attacks hit at random points in the day . You doesn’t want to be near your baby as it makes you feel scared and you are convinced this feeling can never be repaired.
Your mood changes frequently, you feels guilty and full of bother. You think, if this is in my mind,I can’t possibly be a good mother.
The visitors have come and gone, they’ve drunk all the tea, they’ve passed the baby from Nana to Auntie and Uncle Lee. When they visited, they asked,”how are you feeling ? Is it the best thing you’ve ever done?” . You smile and say yes but inside thinks, I just want to run.
I don’t think I like it, I don’t know if I love it, but I don’t want to say because what if they try to take my baby away?
It all builds up and can feel too much to bear. Please know however, that I’ve been there. And I’m here to tell you, the future won’t be like this , you are not alone and soon you will be out of this abyss.
Yea, The piles are still there, I won’t be wearing a thong anytime soon and my bladder is as broken as an egg being hit with a spoon. But in the morning , I’m not frightened to get out of bed but instead think, did I defrost that loaf of bread ?
One day you will hear them say mummy from that little mouth, looking so gummy. Their cheeks smell of biscuits and porridge and melty crisps and they will play with your hair with their little chunky wrists.
And you won’t dread tomorrow, the future or what it holds. Instead you will go to sleep thinking of whether to buy that pack of soft wipe loo rolls . Do know however that when they get older, they will have you searching for your old school folders.
Mummy – What’s an improper fraction, what shape is a pataselene ? I don’t know darling , but I do know what’s in a Pornstar Martini. There is yogurt covered playdoh and paintings of mummy, the sweaty joys of soft play and the odd dodgy schoolbug tummy.
These feelings don’t last forever and it’s OK to ask for help. Tell your GP or Midwife or health visitor that this is how you’ve felt. It might take time, talking, therapy , tablets and lots of tea , but know that one day you will be free.
If you think you may be experiencing symptoms of perinatal mental illness, please reach put to your health care professional for help and support.
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Evie Canavan BEM 