If only a boob flash a day would keep those ballaches at bay

I’m very in support of breastfeeding and particularly in support of women who wish to do it in public without fear of a frying pan being bashed over their head or a barrage of abuse for daring to show of a piece of flesh . Breasts, boobs, babylons, baps and bangers are a piece of skin. I am struggling to understand the public meltdown when a woman dares to feed her child without a duvet over her head . I can’t imagine we would say oh my goodness, look that woman is daring to wear a shirt that shows her elbows and engage in Facebook debates where women are called attention seeking for daring to show said elbows would we ? People will then say but elbows aren’t sexual and breasts are – a quick look at fetish sites shows us that some people like dry humping a tree or sticking their toes into a moving fan for pleasure so for some , elbows are a turn on yet I don’t think we are going to be going around covering tree bark with a blanket or wrapping up our feet so a man with a foot fetish on the tube doesn’t get a peek of our little toe and have a party in his pants before he reaches his destination.

A woman feeding her child via a piece of skin is not the same as a public romp outside buckingham palace, rolling around naked on the White House lawn or a woman over familiarizing herself with the aubergines ( we can all dream of a real life equivalent) in the fruit and veg aisle in Tesco. If I see a woman feeding her baby I say , look Joe, a lady giving boobie , like you have. And he says ahh, boobie, isn’t that nice, can I have 4 biscuits please?

My breasts are bigger than my sons head. To cover them up would have meant getting a family size tent from the camping shop to go over them or hire a marquee. Stylish as I am, even I couldn’t carry that off and may have also suffocated my child in the process. How nice , sorry poor kid that we are in casualty because you overheated – a woman on the internet said she didn’t want to see my ‘saggy baps’ while you were feeding .More fool her because a) my boobs are probably the only part of my body not to hit the floor yet and b ) if I was having intercourse on the number 143 bus I would probably cover myself up with a coat but as feeding a child isn’t the same as intercourse, I won’t be.

I’ve heard people say , cover yourself up , there are children around and look at mums in horror. A child seeing a woman feeding a child via their boobs will not be messed up for life and in this world of times of trouble, I think there are worse things in life a child could see than breastfeeding in public . I’m pretty certain that seeing a nipple making its way into a small child’s mouth will not ruin a child’s mind forever or cause him to break out in a fit of teenage acne.

I have heard ‘ cover yourself up in public when feeding, I don’t want my husband having to see another woman’s boobs . I hate to break it to you but your husband is probably seeing lots of partial bits of boobs all day , every day. A scoop neck top, a bikini, what the dickens, they may have even had milk from their mother’s boobs when younger. And even though you are their one true love, I imagine they have seen a whole lot more than a piece of skin in the chest area while caressing an ex-girlfriend.

Then I read ‘pump your milk and bring it in a bottle’ – quite often this is the call from mums who say ‘ I had 7 children and managed to feed them all discreetly while staring at a wall in a restaurant like I was in the naughty corner ‘. Just pump your milk lady and give it in a bottle so I don’t have to see your lils. Well , 1) pumping doesn’t work for everyone . A child sucking draws out more milk so whereas a kid could be satisfied drinking from the source , it may not be with the half an ounce you manage to express before dropping the machine and it going all over the floor and 2) some children don’t take bottles. And why should they just because grumpy spice would rather stare at a woman feeding and moan incessantly rather than turning their head the other way.  And then 3) Quite simply, jog on. What are we teaching our children about our body and its uses if they see us pumping before each time we go out because we are worried what people might say ? It’s entirely different if you are an exclusive pumper or you pump before you go out because you want to – knock yourself out and power to you mama . I’m talking about those who think women should be forced to do that.

The first purpose of boobs is to provide nutrition for a kid . That’s the point of them, that’s why we have milk ducts and nipples- they weren’t created to hang coats off or to adorn nipple tassels. At the start of evolution , I think the main focus would have been creating life , so giving men a penis and women vulvas and wombs, and then preserving life, so planting boobs on said women. I doubt the conversation went oh but let not forget the main purpose of these big mounds of skin is as a sex tool. Yes they double as fun bags in the bedroom and that’s amazing but this isn’t their prime purpose according to dear nature.

I personally don’t give a milkshake what you do with your boobs and this is in no way a breast v formula debate , far from it. This is about people trying to bully and shame mothers for doing something which should be the least offensive thing in the world . Let’s not forget the laws of nature – boobs are designed in such a way so a baby can be fed from them. Not every child is fed via boobs again, that’s not my focus or the focus of this blog. Yes , Luscious Lisa flashes her boobs on page three in The Sun and earns money from them and that’s dandy with me but there isn’t the mass public debate about that that there is about nursing in public. Instead there is , oh look, I don’t like page 3 so I will turn the page . But when it comes to breastfeeding in pubic it is , oh look there is a mum nervously feeding her baby in costa , I am going to go and tell her she is disrespectful and to cover that child up. Makes no sense does ? Don’t like it ? Jog on with your day , your week and your year. And if you think that a child feeding is sexual then the one with the quite terrifying problem is you my friend, not anyone else.

I saw a quote from a woman on Facebook saying ‘ public breastfeeding is fine , attention seeking breastfeeding isn’t’ and she said she didn’t like mums being fully exposed and if they insisted on being then to go somewhere discreet. This boils my blood. What about those poor mums who are so shy , trying to feed and baby pulls of the blanket etc and her boob pops out, is she a little attention seeker? It’s a sad world when a mum is classed as a look at me lady for showing a bit of skin that milk comes out of. I do hope pigs and cows cover themselves up down the farm as well so my poor eyes don’t have to see their udders swinging in the breeze. If you want to cover while feeding , then that’s a different story – that’s your choice and it’s the right choice for you.

And then we have ‘ why do you take brelfies and post them all over social media ‘. I think the same , but about avocado posts on instagram .If  I see one more smashed avocado on a slice of sour dough , I will smash a good old fashioned mushy pea through my phone screen. Bloody avocados, showing off. Breastfeeding is eating , people post plenty of pics in Nandos with a chicken wing hanging out of their mouth or their baby squishing banana all over their face and so what is the difference?

Boobs are beautiful. They can be life-giving . They can be nurture and nutrition. They can also be useful during sex. Like hands can. Hands help us write and type and can also be used during conjugal relations . Should we all be wearing gloves all day so not to offend someone ?

Feeding in public isn’t the ballache. Those who moan about it are the ballache.

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