Spanx. Those magic second skin like pants that promise to make you a size ten while you glide around the dance floor in the body-con dress you last wore 15 years ago before you had children, developed an overhang and didn’t have to spend your days breathing in . It’s just such a shame that you need the skills of a prize winning gymnast to get the bloody things on and off.
Embrace your curves ladies and toss the pants aside. Otherwise you will find yourself in the predicament I did yesterday morning . Which I’m not going through again. I’m just going to drink prosecco and stand on a chair singing ‘I like big butts and I cannot lie’.
Take half an hour to put on as they stick to every bit of skin from your ankle to your fandango. As soon as they are on ,realise you need to do a wee and so attempt to get them off. No amount of pulling or rolling gets them past ample hip level so have to do the rather unglamorous pull to the side technique to avoid wetting oneself.
Once wee is done ,attempt to walk out of bathroom only to realise all stomach fat has not magically disappeared but has infact rolled above knicker line so now appear to have a uniboob of mountainesque proportions – so have flat stomach but look like a tumour is growing out of boobs.
Put one foot in front of other and realise the magic fat melting pants may have given me almost supermodel measurements but also appear to have cut off blood circulation and prevent me from walking or breathing. Attempt to take the bloody things off but break into sweat akin to that of an Olympic runner.
Fall onto floor of tiny caravan bathroom and call five year old to help mummy out of pants. Five year old laughs at mummy and shoots her with spud gun. Over and over.
Mummy sees scissors on shelf above her and skillfully uses feet to pick them up and drop them near her hands ,avoiding taking eye out in the process. Picks up scissors and does the only thing that will save her -cuts herself out of pants. Once released ,runs half naked through caravan with all the curtains open and finds cotton Primark pants in bedroom drawer and kisses them.
Never will I commit adultery on these one pound pants in the name of thindom ever again.