The joys of a child who has reached the age where he can spell the word sleep but doesn’t quite understand the context. Never has,never will,big hair , don’t care.
Sleep is overrated. I haven’t slept for five years and look at me, I’m fine. As long as I have my 27 quid concealer and inhale diet coke on a minute by minute basis, I’m just dandy. Sleep is to be avoided at all costs. Especially if you are four, it’s midnight and you are jumping up and down on your bed in mike the knight pants,farting and shouting ‘mummy is a bum daddy is a bum,I’m not a bum but everyone is a bum’. I meanwhile want to take myself off to a dark corner somewhere and cover myself in wotsits and have a bath filled with Baileys. No such luck. I’m standing next to the bed holding his hand,while he fires of his list of world changing questions. Forget Question Time. Dimbleby,resign your zany ties,Joe is here to put the world to rights.
I present the list of questions fired at me from the small child while I stood there for an hour,visualising the varicose veins forming in my legs.
I can’t go to sleep mummy because “……
My feet are hot
I’ve got a bogey
My toe near the other toe hurts
Hang on, I need to count the spikes on dinosaur teddy
Why don’t we poo out of our mouth?
I need the cushion from the living room.I can’t remember which one.
Why don’t we poo out our willy and wee out our bum?
What colour is England’s away kit?
Can I have a delicate massage please?
The pillow is too hot
Now it’s too cold
Where does mike the knight live?
At my party I’m having three slices of cake and the other children are only having one
Are we the Christmas religion?
Do I speak West hamish?
I think my bum has fallen off
Can you die after daddy please
I need cold skin
Why is our nose attached to our mouth?
In olden times did the servants buy the milk and say oh hello Mr shop keeper I need some milk please so I can have a bath in it
At my party remember I’m having three slices of cake
Can you be quiet please mummy cos I need to go to sleep
Just woken up.sits up. ‘Mummmmmyyyyyyy’……..
Can we talk about Hitler again
Is muckingham palace the Queens only palace?
When we die are we replaced by new people?
When I’m 99 can I still have my front teeth?
Why do front teeth fall out first?
Why does the security man in Brent Cross stand by the moving stairs?
Can you go now please
And there we have it, sound asleep. My little man. And his lovely little brain. Resting.
He will be awake in 10 mins.